*Looks at title and thinks to self: How in the hell?

It’s the middle of the night and I can’t seem to close my eyelids to save my life. It’s become habitual as of late. On January 2, 2017, my life changed. In a matter of about 14 hours, I received a text from my father wishing me well as I start the new year, to receiving a call telling me he passed away. It wasn’t until then that I realized how bitter this Earth really is. Since, then? Well…I have been feeling….

empty.
confused.
somewhat mentally out of it all.

My friends and loved ones have showered me with love that I will forever be grateful for, but it hasn’t changed the reality of my life. One of my closest friends sent me a text stating that now that the services had passed, it was time to keep pushing and get back into the swing of regular life. As much love and advice that he gave, this was one gem I had to disagree with. While I understood what he truly meant, I looked at it from a different angle. Regular life? This life I’m living is no longer regular. This is new and it is time for major readjustments. When you lose something or someone, life is never really the same. “Back to normal” they said. And yeah, I’m all for it. But how do you go back when normal is now non-existent?

For a second if you will, I want to let you in on a secret. I was going to keep it to myself but considering the fact that I can hide behind my pen and paper, I’ll drop my honesty right here: when I took this loss, I wanted to do two things.

  1. I wanted to stop everything.  I wanted to stop writing and dancing. I wanted to do nothing but stay in bed and sleep. I’d been slacking on morning meditation because I now preferred to stay in my bed until the last minute, simply deflecting the start of a new (and impossible) day. And once I realized that I couldn’t stop everything…
  2. I  wanted to submerge myself into anything. I wanted to have no down time. I wanted to hide myself in my work. I wanted to pack my schedule to avoid any down time of sorrow and thoughts. I thought it would be an easy route to soothe the pain. I felt like as long as I stayed busy, I would be alright.

After heavy attempts of both options, I found that they both were ineffective. But oh, today. Today I have an answer. Today I have an idea… I have to recreate my normal. The thing about losing things you once valued, whether that be relationships, trinkets, or loved ones, is that your life will go on (whether you decide to enjoy it or not). I can’t stop doing what I’m passionate about, even if I find comfort in hiding under the covers most days. I can’t stop living.

Today’s Keyword: experience (verb): to feel an emotion of a physical feeling  

When life’s troubles hit hard, don’t run and hide from your emotions. Experience every low as it comes because when bottled up for too long, it can truly destroy you. That friend I mentioned earlier? Yeah.. he also reminded me to release as the sad waves come. Mama reminded me to bounce back when they disappear. I can’t let life get the best of me, so instead I’ll choose to make the best of it.

Live in the moment. Recreate your normal. Experience your emotions. Even if it may seem impossible right now, the load will lighten.

Note to self: Daddy’s gonna sprinkle some magic over your year, especially with the help of Pop. Be sure of it.

Riding the waves,

-Ki.

December 31, 2016

1 Comment

  1. Reply

    Ky'Eisha

    January 25, 2017

    ❤️

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